I make the title a question because I don’t really know. I’ve been cutting myself since I was eleven. It’s the only thing I know that gives me some relief and calms me down.
But I want to stop. Not because I’ve come to some sort of realization or anything of the sort, but because I’m in love with someone and this person doesn’t like when I cut. I mean, if I can’t stop for me, I might as well do it for someone else, right?
But it’s shown to be extremely hard when you want to slash yourself open and you’re not able to. Because that’s exactly how I feel right now: I want to Slash. Myself. Open. I want to cut my thighs so badly and so deeply I can see fat. I know this is graphic and disgusting, but, maybe, by talking about it, a little of my desperate urge can go away.
My hand literally shakes as I wish to slid it against my skin. I need to see blood. I need to feel… something. Dear Whatever Is Out There, I need to feel something.
What do I do? How do I make it go away? All these feelings, all this pain, this thing that takes control of me, that takes over my body, my heart and my soul?
I can’t. I want to, but I can’t.